Okay.... deep breath....
So we pick up where we left off at the end of last week's ep, with Sam locked in the panic room. He's begging Dean to let him out. He even says he's sorry that he lied to Dean. Aw. :( Dean tells him it's not his fault, it's not Sam's fault that he lied to him over and over and over. Sam insists he's not a junkie (sorry sweetie, that was my impression) and isn't drinking the demon blood for kicks. He's doing it to get stong enough in order to kill Lilith.
Dean says he's not getting stronger, he's getting weak with the dependency. And as for Lilith, he and Bobby will kill her. He walks away, leaving Sam down there screaming. Dean's steps slow and the look on his face makes my tears start.
Ruby's "name" in the credits makes the bile rise up in my throat. Yeah I knew she was going to be in this ep but I can't help it... gut reaction.
Sam's hallucinations start and he sees Alistair, who has him bound and starts torturing him.
Meanwhile, Dean hears Sam screaming down there and asks Bobby how long this is going to last. Bobby: "Let me check my Demon Detox manual. Oh wait, no one ever wrote one." Heh. A little levity thanks to The Awesomeness That Is Bobby (*still fears for him in final ep*). Bobby doesn't know how long it will last, or if Sam will even survive it. :( And then he gets a call from Rufus. *g* Would've been nice to see an appearance from the guy or even hear his voice, but it's nice he got a mention.
Back to Sam and the hallucinations... he now sees his younger self (Colin! Yay!!) who confirms to him that he's hallucinating. Young!Sam asks how could he do this to him. That he just wanted to be normal so bad. Sam says he tried but it didn't pan out that way. "Sorry, kid." Oh, man..... Young!Sam won't accept that. Sam reminds him of how they killed Jessica and Young!Sam tells him she wouldn't have wanted him to turn out that way. Sam says to him "we were never gonna be normal" and then "grow up." And my heart breaks even more. *sniffle* Ooh, Young!Sam's eyes flash yellow...
Rufus informs Bobby about incidents occuring that mean the seals are breaking. Bobby asks Dean where his angel pals are. Dean doesn't know. Bobby thinks that maybe Sam can help and maybe they shouldn't be doing this to him now. Dean won't hear of it and says he doesn't want to use Sam and sacrifice him. Bobby says he hates bringing that up and hates saying it; he loves Sam like a son.
Sam then sees Mary in his hallucinations. In her bloody nightgown as she was when she was killed. She tells Sam he looks awful. He expects that she's disappointed in him. She says she isn't, that he's doing the right thing. He's being brave and practical, and she's proud of him. He asks what about Dean and she says Dean doesn't understand. She says she was raised as a hunter and you have to make tough choices to do the right thing. She tells him he has a gift that he can use to bring about justice. What's in him is evil, and Sam seems a bit worried about this. He asks her, "what if it's stronger than me? What if Dean's right?" She tells him that Dean is weak and that he has to go on without Dean and kill Lilith. Sam: "Even if it kills me?" "Mary" tells him she's counting on him, and tells him not to let anything get in his way; not even Dean. And my heart breaks further.......
Next Dean summons Cas who shows up after Dean has been screaming himself hoarse for a couple of hours. He brings up what happened in Illinois again (I guess about what Cas told him about not serving humanity and esp. not Dean), and Cas says he can't say anything about it. Dean asks him if Sam can stop the apocalypse. Cas says it's possible but says the amount of demond blood to kill Lilith would change Sam forever. Nooooooo.... :( He then wants Dean to accept that he must do this and accept his role in this. Dean seems a bit reluctant at first. He asks if Dean will pledge his service to God and the angels. Dean agrees. omgwhtidhsighghgddd......
We then see Sam's hands turning black, and black veins appearing in his face as he cries out for help.
Bobby finds out about what Dean did and says "you signed up to be the angels' bitch?" Dean admits it and asks what other options does he have - trust an angel or have Sam trust a demon. Everything then gets quiet, aka no Sam crying out for help. They run down to the panic room and find Sam flailing on the ground, before he starts being flung across the room and into walls. Dean and Bobby restrain him and tie him down.
Sam awakes chained to the cot in the room and Dean tells him they had to do it because he was being flung around. He asks Sam why he did this to himself. Was it revenge for Dean being sent to Hell? Well, he's back now so what's the point? He tells Sam that stopping the apocalypse is his game, not Sam's.
It turns out this is also part of a hallucination, as we then cut up to Bobby and Dean talking. Bobby asks if they're doing the right thing. He says they're killing Sam and he could die if he doesn't get any more demon blood. Dean shoots back "if he dies, at least he'll die human!"
Then we cut back to Sam's hallucination and Dean "badmouthing" him harshly about them not really being brothers and other such things. Sam keeps telling him to stop it. Dean finally says he's a monster. But then we cut back to reality and Dean telling Bobby that he'd die for Sam and can't let him turn into a monster.
Hallucination!Dean tells Sam "you're nothing to me." Sam whimpers "don't you say that to me." Ouch, it hurts... it really hurts. :( Is this what Sam fears Dean thinks of him? The withdrawal from the demon blood could make things seem worse than they really are, but are these deep-seated worries/fears coming to the forefront. Oh, dear......
Suddenly, Sam is freed from his restraints and the door opens. Sam gets up and calls out to see if anyone is there. No one is, and so he walks out. At first I almost expected the DBE to be there, but nah, it would be too easy. Sam leaves as Dean and Bobby are asleep and we then see Cas. Who has apparently freed Sam. Huh....?
Cas is outside when Anna appears. She chastises Cas for letting Sam escape. It's worse than they thought with the demon blood and etc. Cas tells her she shouldn't have come. Soon others appear with her and then they disappear after a flash of light.
Bobby catches Sam and threatens to shoot him. Sam tells Bobby he won't shoot him. Bobby replies "don't test me, boy." Sam says Bobby can't shoot him. Bobby insists they're trying to help him. Sam takes the barrel of the gun and sticks it up against himself and says, "then shoot." Bobby obviously can't and so Sam knocks him out and leaves. Oh, Sam..... look at you..... *cries*
Bobby and Dean examine the empty panic room and Bobby thinks Ruby possibly let him out. Dean says "I hope he's with Ruby, because killing her is next on my To-Do list." Oh, yes!! Please, Dean!
We find Sam on edge in a motel room, waiting for you-know-who. And she enters. Honeymoon suite? Oh please. *retch* I'm sorry, her attitude still bugs me. I still can't rationalize it and she comes off as too bland. If it doesn't turn out she has an agenda in the finale that's it.... just totally improbable. *cough* Anyway, Sam explodes at her, asking where the hell she's been for the past few weeks. She lamely tells him she's been looking for leads on Lilith and hasn't kept on top of her voicemail. Ugh... whatever... Sam is just a mess and she apologizes, saying she had no idea Dean would do this to him. Ahem, yeah, I think you did know, sweetie. I bet this is part of your little agenda.... at least that would be more interesting and not turn out to be oh so strange like the whole "I don't want to come between you and your brother" from Lazarus Rising. Ugh... sorry, I know I'm way too obsessed about this whole thing, but I can't help it - it bothers me. And she continues that it's sad things got this way between Sam and Dean (uh, yeah, sure... I can picture her saying this trying hard not to laugh or with her fingers crossed behind her back, but not seriously. No way).
Sam throws her on the bed and I honestly thought he was going to attack her. When that didn't happen, I worried that he was going to make hot passionate love to her. But instead he ended up cutting her arm with the knife and sucking her blood. Which, yeah, is also really icky......but still. She later tells him he's getting stronger, enough to kill Lilith and there are 2 or 3 seals left. This surprises Sam. She says something about seal 66 which can only be broken by "Lucifer's first". Which I think is supposed to be a nurse at some hospital (and we see one who mentions something odd about babies being tasty...).
The DBE tells him he needs more blood, more than she can give him. Sam then says that he wishes Dean trusted him, and he hopes he can fix things once this is all over. I'm assuming he means fixing things between him and Dean? If so..... oh, Saaaaaam... so there really is still a little part of you inside somewhere? If he's being honest?
Anyway it turns out he'd rented this honeymoon suite and had stolen a car that he normally wouldn't even think of stealing because he didn't want Dean to find him because Dean knows what he'd do. Well, it turns out Dean really does know that kid. And before he finds him, Bobby tells Dean he has to try and get through to Sam.
And so we see Dean trying to kill the DBE! Whooooooo!!! Go, Dean! :D Of course Sam has to step in and stop him. *sigh* He tells Dean he wants to talk. Dean says they can talk when the DBE is dead. He says "she's poison! Look what she did to you!" Dean just wants him to be okay, and says Sam would do the same for him.
Sam says "we'll do this together." Awwww :( Dean says it can be just the two of them without her, but Sam says he needs her. Ugh. Dean tells him that he has to do this (meaning preventing the apocalypse) but Sam says he can't because he's not strong enough. This makes Dean really mad of course and tells him who is Sam to say this. Sam tells him that for his whole life, he let Dean take the wheel and trusted him because Dean is his brother. He asks Dean to trust him for once.
Dean: "No. You don't know what you're doing. It's not WHAT you're doing, it's what you ARE." He then hesitates as if he doesn't want to say what exactly that is. Sam tells him to say it and Dean finally does. "A monster."
And so Sam hits him. And there go my tears again.
Sam and Dean duke it out, and Sam tries to strangle Dean. He finally releases his grip on Dean and says "You don't know me. You never did and you never will."
My heart continues to break.
Dean: "You walk out that door, don't you ever come back."
And so Sam does.
And my heart is in pieces on the floor. Kripke, you are so gonna help me scoop it up and put it back together.
Then the preview for next week shows Sam saying "I've changed for good." Whaaaaaaat???!!! If he really is changed for good, no chance of rescuing at least *part* of him back from the dark side in season 5, then..... ugh.... brain hurts, brain hurts... And then Dean getting touched and drenched in bright light? I'm guessing this is heaven's influence on him. Ugh, I just don't wanna think too much about it...
Okay, some final thoughts, for what it's worth. Jared did a great job as Sam going through heavy withdrawal and trying to deal with the hallucinations. I liked how he portrayed some of Sam's reservations about being strong enough to kill Lilith and about wanting to make things right again (presumably with Dean). Jensen also did a great job showing Dean's reactions to hearing Sam screaming in the panic room and his devotion to Sam in not wanting him to turn into a monster.
The hallucinations Sam experienced give some interesting background into his feelings on this whole thing. The hallucination of his younger self seemed like some guilt he had over wanting to be as normal as possible and letting this demon blood addiction turn him into a freak. It sounded like he was in denial or was defensive when he told young!Sam that things just didn't end up that way and told him to grow up.
The hallucinations with Mary seemed like he was trying to get some reassurance for his feelings about how strong he is, how weak Dean is and how he needs to do this and not let anyone (esp. Dean) stop him.
And finally the hallucinations with Dean bothered me because like I said, it's as if he thinks that Dean really feels this way about him...that he's a horrible monster and is nothing to Dean. And I think that kind of influences him at the end when he tells Dean to say it about him being a monster. It's like this inner rage he has just comes exploding out. And before he'd taken the more diplomatic approach and asked Dean if they could talk about this, so they could fight this together and asked Dean to trust him.
So it looks like no one bought it in this episode. If there are any other deaths to be expected in the finale, I really wouldn't lose any sleep if the DBE was one of them. I really don't care to see her next season (unless she's got a new meatsuit... Maid!Ruby was pretty cool in IKWYDLS).
I guess that's about all I can say now. My heart is still a bloody mess on the floor after seeing the boys going at it like this and saying such things to each other. And then seeing Sam in the preview talking about how he's changed for good..... Sammy is totally lost and gone forever?? No, I don't wanna think about it! If all of season 5 is going to be that way, seeing Dean and the angels fighting together and then it's intermixed with Sam and the DBE (hopefully not) fighting somewhere else.... I don't know if I'd watch. What do you guys think? Should I trust Kripke anyway and see how it goes or what? I really want to see them reconcile at least a teensy little bit at SOME point.
I can't believe how much this show is breaking me. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to watch Hell House and BDABR again.