Rating: PG-ish, mostly for language.
Summary: A haunted corn maze and house of horrors at a farm. Plus Sam and Dean. Hilarity ensues.
Categories: Gen, humor, fluff
Word Count: 2,630
Spoilers: Pilot, Asylum, Hell House, Everybody Loves a Clown. Takes place in late season 1, directly before Dead Man's Blood.
Disclaimer: I don't own them. Never have, never will (except for the clones *g*). But I'll play nice with them and return them in good condition... or at least try to. ;)
A/N: I'm still basically a novice when it comes to SPN fic, so please be gentle. A huge thanks to amaranthtraces for the beta.
"We don't really have time for this, Dean."
"Dude, we've got all the time in the world! We just finished a case. Nothing going on that needs our immediate attention. Don't you wanna check this out?”
Peering out the car window, Sam shut his eyes and sighed. The large sign proclaimed “Lambert's Family Farm. Halloween Horror Wonderland.”
“I'm not exactly a fan of Halloween. You know that.”
“Come on, Scrooge. Gotta have some Halloween spirit tucked away in there somewhere.”
“Scrooge is for Christmas. And Halloween isn't for two weeks.”
“So what? After this case we deserve a little R&R.”
“R&R?” Sam scoffed as he gestured toward the Nebraska farm's colorful, descriptive signs. “In a 'Haunted Corn Maze of Doom'?”
“I've always wanted to check one of those out. It'll be fun!”
Sam just blinked at him. "Fun."
Dean clapped his hands and rubbed them together before jumping out of the car. "I knew you'd come around."
Sam shook his head and chuckled. Sure, this last case had been pretty rough, not to mention the ongoing search for the demon that killed Mom and Jess. Maybe it was a good idea to take some kind of break.
He was so lost in thought he barely noticed his car door was open. Dean was tugging on his jacket sleeve, trying to force him out of the passenger seat.
“Come on, kiddo.”
Sam sighed again. “Dude -”
“Come on!” Dean persisted. “A little family fun. We deserve it. Chop chop.” Dean snapped his fingers then dragged Sam out of the Impala and toward the farm entrance. Sam decided there was no point in trying to put up a fight.
Family fun. He had to admit Dean's enthusiasm was infectious. He tried to stifle a grin as Dean gleefully thrust a crumpled twenty into the face of a pretty dour-looking employee.
“So! What should we do first? Corn maze or haunted mansion?”
Sam shrugged. “It's all the same to me.”
“Hm. You know, it won't be dark for another half hour or so. Maybe we should check out the mansion first and leave the scary haunted corn maze for last. To get the proper effect.” Dean grinned from ear to ear.
“Dude, you've been watching 'Children of the Corn' way more than is healthy.”
Dean's brow furrowed though his attention seemed elsewhere. “Children of the what?”
“It – never mind.” Sam followed Dean's gaze to a pretty young woman heading in the direction of the corn maze.
“Hey, maybe we should do the corn maze first.”
All Sam could do was roll his eyes and smirk as he followed Dean toward the entrance.
As they walked through the corn maze, Sam glanced around. The farm had done a pretty decent job of making it look scary. Cobwebs with ugly – albeit plastic – spiders hung in various places. Coffins with bony hands emerging from them were tucked into corners. A mannequin dressed as a farmer with a bloody knife stuck in its gut lie on top of a bale of hay. Not bad – but these sights still didn’t quite measure up to what he and Dean saw every day.
Speaking of Dean …
Despite his insistence on stopping here and checking out the corn maze, he didn't seem to be paying much attention to it.
“So, you a big fan of these things?” he asked the woman he’d followed into the maze.
“Yeah, I love them. Every year I make sure I come here,” she smiled, but Sam could tell it was a barely-tolerant one.
“Yeah, me too.”
Sam rolled his eyes. "Oh, please," he muttered.
“You know, they really do a great job with these mazes. All kinds of creepy ass things can just jump out at you. I’m just sayin’ … if you need any protection while we’re in here ….”
The girl’s thin smile flattened out and she shook her head. “Sorry, I’m a big girl. I can take care of myself. I don’t need protection from losers.” She wrinkled her nose. “Particularly losers with bird crap on their shoulders.” She spun on her heel and walked swiftly away. Sam thought he heard her mutter something about ‘weird birds with green crap’ before she got far ahead of them.
Dean finally took notice of the large green stain on his right shoulder. The large green stain that was not bird crap, but ectoplasm from the particularly nasty spirit they’d just tangled with.
“Why the hell didn’t you tell me that was there?!”
Sam gave him an innocent shrug and tried to bite back the smirk that threatened to break out on his face, but he failed.
“I’m so glad you think it’s funny, smartass. You try being locked in a death grip by a psycho bitch ghost who’s pissed that her very much alive husband is cheating on her.”
“What can I say? She really had a thing for you, Dean. It’s a shame you had to waste her.”
“Shut up.” He turned and tried to wipe some of the gooey green glob off his jacket. “Uck, gross. Ectoplasm is supposed to be black, not green!”
“Not necessarily. You get a spirit that’s pissed off enough, it can be practically any color.”
Dean snorted. “Geek. Still, she didn’t have to leave me something to remember her by.”
“Aw. I think it’s sweet.”
He swiftly turned his head as Dean tried to fling the goo at him. It missed and his older brother grumbled before walking away from him. As Dean got far enough away, Sam threw his head back and laughed.
Just as soon as he’d regained his composure, the sound of a twig snapping made him straighten up. He looked around and noticed how dark it had become. And that he was all alone in this section of the maze.
“Dean! Wait up!”
“Will you let it go already?”
Sam felt his cheeks burning as it was now Dean’s turn to laugh. And laugh he did. His laughter rang loudly through the maze and had garnered some attention. Although Sam was first to blame for that.
They were just over halfway through the whole thing when Sam had turned a corner and was met with a freaky, homicidal looking clown.
He didn’t think he’d freak out like he did. Ever since he was little, he had a … thing about clowns. And not a good one.
That clown had appeared so suddenly, he wondered how anyone could get through it without reacting as he did.
He’d screamed. And not just a little yelp. A full-on scream.
“I’m sorry, Sammy, but that was priceless. You screaming like a sissy girl at a stupid clown! Even those kids thought you were pretty damned hilarious.” He gestured to a small group of giggling kids a ways behind them. Kids that didn’t look like they were older than nine.
“Dude, enough!” Sam set his jaw and glared at Dean.
But Dean was still enjoying himself a good twenty minutes after the fact. “Hey, remember that movie with those kids? That dude with the clown makeup and the razor sharp teeth? What did he like to say … ‘They all float down here’? Something like that, right?” His grin was easily a mile wide.
“You done?” Sam swiped his hands again over his rear end, grimacing at the dampness there.
“Ah, not just yet. Heh. Little kids not fazed by a stupid clown, but Gigantor here wets himself.”
"Yeah, from where you fell backwards into it after being scared by the little clown!"
Sam hardened his glare and stared Dean down. He pointed to the sign and the exit of the maze. “We’re at the end now. Time for the haunted house.”
“You sure? ‘Cause if you think it’s going to be too much, you can wait outside for me. I think the sign said it may be too intense for kids under seven.”
Sam rolled his eyes. Dean was enjoying this way too much. “I’ll be fine. Let’s just get this over with.”
“That’s the spirit. Come on.”
Sam watched as Dean raced up the steps. He stood there, waiting impatiently before Sam joined him and they entered the rickety-looking structure together.
Sam squinted as he took in the setup. It was decorated like a parlor of any old house. Cobwebs were artfully hung between chairs and a fake fireplace. A skeleton wearing women’s clothes and a long curly wig sat on one of the chairs. As they headed further into the room, his eyes finally settled on a round table with a dark red tablecloth, at which sat a slender woman dressed in a gaudy outfit. A crystal ball sat in the middle of the table.
They really went all out with the cheesiness.
The woman smiled, baring jagged teeth at them. “You boys looking for a tour?”
“That’s right!” Dean answered cheerfully.
Sam felt his brow furrow as she looked them over for what seemed like an hour, but was probably only about thirty seconds.
“You boys look like you’re strong. You’ve probably seen some pretty crazy, scary things before, hm?”
That didn’t even deserve an answer. Sam nodded anyway. “Uh, right.” He smiled uneasily.
“Okay, then.” She turned to face the curtain behind her. “Igor? We’ve got a couple more victims wanting a tour!”
“SEND THEM!” a demented voice boomed from within.
Sam shared a look with Dean and shrugged.
The woman’s mouth curled into a wicked grin. “Right this way.” She gestured to a darkened entrance to her left behind the curtain.
“Thanks,” Sam muttered, feeling his smile falter. Yep, this place was cheesy, alright.
He just hoped there weren’t any clowns inside.
“Ah! Ve have zee fresh meat!” Igor, or whatever his name really was, grinned ghoulishly at them. He was hunched over and wore a dark hooded cape. The fake candle he held illuminated his face in a creepy way. In reality, he was probably some kid doing this as a side job to help pay his way through college. But he really seemed into it, which Sam admired in some odd way.
“First I vill take you to zee laboratory,” he proclaimed in a loud, gruff voice. “It is here zat Doctor Mortis likes to perform unorthodox experiments on his … patients. You can see all of his favorite methods of experimentation laid out before you.” He gestured to tables hooked up to machines with different colored wires snaking from them. There was also something that looked like an electric chair. Sam briefly felt himself shudder as it reminded him of the wonderful Dr. Ellicott from the Roosevelt asylum.
“Now ve vill head into zee morgue!” Igor was already way ahead of them and into the next room. Sam followed, with Dean close behind.
“Even though he is one of zee best doctors in zee area, things have been known to go wrong. His most unfortunate clients ended up here. It is said zat zee spirits of zee dead linger and strive to guilt zee doctor into madness.” In the darkness, Sam could see Igor hovering near Dean. Dean seemed really into the whole thing as he gazed around the room. Sam dared not say a word. This was going to be great.
Sam grinned as he witnessed Igor edging up behind Dean, who was engrossed in some display of a fake corpse on a table bathed in dim purple light from a spotlight overhead. Sam didn’t dare make a sound and there was an eerie silence in the room. Igor was practically up against Dean when he uttered a loud, guttural snort in his ear.
Sam expected to see Dean jump a mile high and scream like a girl. Instead, he spun around and punched Igor in the face.
He punched him in the face. He actually frigging punched Igor in the face. The poor guy was out cold and didn't look like he'd be coming to anytime soon.
Which was probably a good thing.
“What the hell did you do that for, Dean?!”
“What?? It's friggin’ dark in here! Sonofabitch came out of nowhere!”
“I could see him. How come I didn't lose it and use him as a human punching bag?”
Dean hesitated. Yep, he was searching for a good cover. And he failed, apparently. “Well, Mr. Psychic Boy, you could've warned me!”
“And miss you freaking out? I don't think so.”
“Bitch.” Sam barely muted a chuckle. “Come on, we better get the hell out of here before he wakes up and remembers this.”
They hurried through the rest of the setup. Fortunately there weren’t any other employees working in there. And fortunately the woman sitting out front hadn’t heard what happened, thanks to the iPod earphones tucked into her ears.
“That was fast,” she remarked casually as Sam and Dean headed for the doors.
Dean looked at her over his shoulder. “You might want to watch that Igor guy. He’s … all hands.
“Ugh. You’re telling me.”
As far as Sam was concerned, he didn’t hear that.
“I can’t believe you did that, Dean.”
Dean shrugged as they left the farm’s souvenir shop. “Like I said, the little bastard snuck right up on me.”
Sam couldn’t help laughing. Dean of the tough bravado actually freaked out.
“Hey, at least I didn’t scream like a little girl when I saw a clown in the corn maze.”
“And at least I didn’t get shot down by a girl. For the fourth time. This week.”
“Shut up.” Dean was chuckling when he said it, though.
“Admit it. I got you beat this time.”
“Oh, what is this? Payback for the prank wars in east Texas?”
Sam grinned and shook his head. “No. It …” He drifted away and felt his smile falter. “It was … actually good to have a little fun.” He turned to Dean. “I’m glad we did this.”
Dean looked surprised.
“No, really, man. I am. You were right. We had a few tough cases lately and we needed to take a break. As immersed in this life as we are, we have to stop once in a while for some …” He looked at one of the signs on the front fence. “… Family fun.” Boy, it felt weird to say that.
“I’m glad to hear it, bro.” Dean gave Sam a faint smile and a playful slug on the shoulder.
Sam grinned as he opened the passenger side door of the Impala and sat down.
“Oh, hey, I got you something.” Dean tossed the large brown paper bag at him.
Curiously Sam reached inside and pulled out a white t-shirt. “I survived the Halloween Horrors at Lambert’s Farm,” the shirt declared in a ghoulish font.
He chuckled and glanced at Dean, whose eyebrows rose and fell quickly, accompanied by a smirk that could only mean he was up to no good.
Suspicious, Sam turned the shirt around and had to suppress a shudder. On the back was a lifelike image of the creepy clown with the words “(just barely)” printed underneath.
Dean’s giant smirk was obliterated soon enough when Sam threw the shirt at his face.
Hope you liked. :) Oh, and question for anyone else who posts fics under LJ cuts. Do you have trouble getting all the text behind the LJ cut? I started a cut and then tried to copy/paste all the text from my document file, but it kept going outside the cut. I had to copy/paste each line of text individually from the Fanfiction.net link where I have it uploaded. It's very tedious but if that's the only way to do it, I guess it'll have to do.