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27 August 2007 @ 02:24 pm
I think I'm going to go nuts...  
I have no idea what's going on, but I think the PTSD from this accident is making me nuts.  I was feeling great on Friday (at physical therapy they said I had great range of motion in my arm and seems like I'm getting some of my strength back) and Saturday.  Then Sunday I woke up feeling sick (think it was something I ate the night before) and sore, and returned to feeling overly sad, helpless and angry about this whole thing. 

All I kept saying was that I wasn't going to get any better, that I'm so sick and tired of the pain, that it's been 6 weeks now, and how much I hate the kid who did this to me.  I hate talking this way, I really do.  I hate saying how I strongly despise someone, but I've been having some anger issues throughout this whole thing.  All I kept thinking was how he ruined my summer, ruined my social life, and about how different things would be and how much better off I'd be right now if this had never happened.

Is it normal to feel this way? I've looked up PTSD resulting from accidents on the internet and I seem to have quite a few of the symptoms.  I'm even nervous when I'm in parking lots or have to cross the street.  I'm so worried that anyone in a moving vehicle in front of me is going to hit me.  It's like I can't trust anyone, even if they're at a stop sign or red light.  I feel almost pathetic.

A friend my mom works with is a guidance counselor in an elementary school who used to be a psychologist.  She recommended this counselor who specializes in trauma, who is supposed to be very good.  I spoke to him on the phone and was going to plan on seeing him tomorrow, until he told me that he usually doesn't accept No Fault.  Meaning it'd come out of my pocket (unless my lawyer twisted his arm about it), and it would cost me an arm and a leg.  So now that appointment is off.  My mother's friend recommended someone else, but I won't have time to call them until tomorrow.  I just really want to talk to someone about all of this, because the PTSD is making me nuts.  I've been in tears almost every day... sometimes just very briefly, but still almost every day.  I hate feeling like this.  I want to be optimistic and happy, but sometimes it just seems so hard.  When you're in such pain I guess it's hard to feel optimistic, and many times my shoulder feels like I have a ton of lead in it.

I hate complaining so much, but it's one of those days where the arm is seizing up and my moods are awful.  Can't even hope that physical therapy will help today because I can't go all week...they're closed for some reason or other till next Monday.

Oh, and my mom just called to tell me I got a jury duty summons.

Yep, I think I'm going to go nuts...
Current Mood: depresseddepressed
rotster on August 27th, 2007 02:54 pm (UTC)
Well honey, if you're going through alot of pain, your gonna start hating the person who's caused this to you.
It's natural to do so.
But once it's all gone away, you'll feel a lot better.

When you go through a terrible ordeal, you start to avoid places that run alike where you were when this horrible event took place.
You avoid a lot, and by that it's usually anxiety and possibly insecurity.
You need to gain your confidence to trust again.
Bare in mind not every driver is the same, and all I can say is just watch out and take care.
You'll be fine once everything clears up, you're mind will come back. ;)
jessm78: Fire and Waterjessm78 on August 28th, 2007 02:18 pm (UTC)
Thanks hon for the words of support. It does make me feel better. :)

I am waiting to hear back from a counselor and I think talking to someone may help me feel better about it.
rotster on August 28th, 2007 02:19 pm (UTC)
You're welcome!
Talking is a great thing, and I hope it all goes well as it should anyway. ;)
vixen_logic: SaraOuchvixen_logic on August 27th, 2007 04:23 pm (UTC)
Hang in there, Jess. *HUGS*

I have sometimes been wildly, despairingly, acutely miserable, but through it all I still know quite certainly that just to be alive is a grand thing.
-Agatha Christie

jessm78: Singularityjessm78 on August 28th, 2007 02:19 pm (UTC)
*hugs back* Thanks so much. :) I love that quote... it's something I'll have to remember even when I'm feeling really miserable.
bethtaurichick: stargatebethtaurichick on August 27th, 2007 08:03 pm (UTC)
Yikes, Jess, I'm really sorry to hear all that! I know this is a total cliche, but it does get better. It is perfectly normal to be mad at the person who caused you so much pain, and I certainly don't blame you. When I got diagnosed with MS, I cried for a whole day, but then I decided that I was going to fight it, and that it wasn't nearly as bad as it could be. It does sound like you have PTSD, and talking with a counselor could really do you some good.

Hey, look on the bright side, you should be able to get a doctor's note to get out of jury duty....

Sending more hugs and prayers your way- and I hope your week gets better!
jessm78jessm78 on August 28th, 2007 02:23 pm (UTC)
Thanks so much, Beth. I can imagine how you felt when you first found out - I would have reacted the same way - but it is really important to have that attitude (that's exactly how my mom's friend in GA feels...she was diagnosed with lymphoma quite a while ago, but is doing pretty well now).

I'm waiting to hear back from another counselor today, so hopefully I can get the ball rolling where that's concerned. I think one reason why I was feeling so bad yesterday was because I ended up with a visit from Aunt Flo... was a bit unexpected (I guess this accident threw everything off), and the PMS made everything a lot worse. I am feeling better today, thankfully. Thanks so much for the hugs and prayers - they help a lot! :)