jessm78 (jessm78) wrote,

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I think I'm going to go nuts...

I have no idea what's going on, but I think the PTSD from this accident is making me nuts.  I was feeling great on Friday (at physical therapy they said I had great range of motion in my arm and seems like I'm getting some of my strength back) and Saturday.  Then Sunday I woke up feeling sick (think it was something I ate the night before) and sore, and returned to feeling overly sad, helpless and angry about this whole thing. 

All I kept saying was that I wasn't going to get any better, that I'm so sick and tired of the pain, that it's been 6 weeks now, and how much I hate the kid who did this to me.  I hate talking this way, I really do.  I hate saying how I strongly despise someone, but I've been having some anger issues throughout this whole thing.  All I kept thinking was how he ruined my summer, ruined my social life, and about how different things would be and how much better off I'd be right now if this had never happened.

Is it normal to feel this way? I've looked up PTSD resulting from accidents on the internet and I seem to have quite a few of the symptoms.  I'm even nervous when I'm in parking lots or have to cross the street.  I'm so worried that anyone in a moving vehicle in front of me is going to hit me.  It's like I can't trust anyone, even if they're at a stop sign or red light.  I feel almost pathetic.

A friend my mom works with is a guidance counselor in an elementary school who used to be a psychologist.  She recommended this counselor who specializes in trauma, who is supposed to be very good.  I spoke to him on the phone and was going to plan on seeing him tomorrow, until he told me that he usually doesn't accept No Fault.  Meaning it'd come out of my pocket (unless my lawyer twisted his arm about it), and it would cost me an arm and a leg.  So now that appointment is off.  My mother's friend recommended someone else, but I won't have time to call them until tomorrow.  I just really want to talk to someone about all of this, because the PTSD is making me nuts.  I've been in tears almost every day... sometimes just very briefly, but still almost every day.  I hate feeling like this.  I want to be optimistic and happy, but sometimes it just seems so hard.  When you're in such pain I guess it's hard to feel optimistic, and many times my shoulder feels like I have a ton of lead in it.

I hate complaining so much, but it's one of those days where the arm is seizing up and my moods are awful.  Can't even hope that physical therapy will help today because I can't go all week...they're closed for some reason or other till next Monday.

Oh, and my mom just called to tell me I got a jury duty summons.

Yep, I think I'm going to go nuts...
Tags: life

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