jessm78 (jessm78) wrote,

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Fic: Unnecessary Inanimate Objects (an old Stargate: Atlantis fic I wrote; PG)

I realize it's been ages since I posted something. In cleaning out my old computer to get all my files saved and transferred to my new computer, I ran across this old Stargate Atlantis fic I wrote in September 2005. There was a fanfiction archive website called Science Fiction Buzz, and at the time they were running a Stargate Atlantis Fanfiction Challenge. It was interesting in that they gave you a couple of inanimate objects, an opening line, and you had to write nonstop for 22 minutes. I think this was my first and only Stargate Atlantis fic. I did write a sort of crossover fic with Stargate SG-1 a while later, but that was about it. I just found it and got a little laugh out of it. It's really not that good, but still I hope you get a little laugh out of it (or at the least crack a smile), too...

Title: Unneccesary Inanimate Objects
Author: jessm78
Rating: PG
Subjects: Humor, Gen
Summary: Col. Sheppard and Rodney McKay are stuck together on a mission. Rodney obsesses over two very unnecessary objects.
Spoilers: None. Takes place in season 2.
Disclaimer: I am not making any money off of this. The characters do not belong to me, they belong to Jump Shark Productions, MGM/Sony Pictures/SciFi channel. .
A/N: This story is an answer for the SF Buzz SGA Challenge. The rules were: You take one or two characters (your choice), add a couple inanimate objects (our choice), and one opening line. We provide you with the opening line. You must write non-stop for 22 minutes. The two inanimate objects are: scissors, deflated beach ball.

This is my first SGA fic and it's not my best writing, so please be gentle when reviewing!


Bewildered, John stumbled and slipped through the deep forest - sliding unexpectedly down a dew-ridden, grassy slope that opened into a bright clearing. The sudden sunshine nearly blinded him; its warmth a welcome contrast to the cool, damp mustiness of before.

"Whoa," he muttered as he reached for his sunglasses and put them on. "Good morning, sunshine."

"Are you talking to me?" Rodney McKay asked.

John rolled his eyes and didn't dignify him with an answer. Throughout this whole mission, Rodney had been more annoying than usual. It had started off fairly well, but then the Wraith appeared and an all-out attack ensued. They'd neutralized the parasitic aliens, but he and Rodney soon managed to get separated from Teyla and Ronon Dex.

"Oh, great, bright sunlight," Rodney groused. "And I didn't bring any sunblock with me. You know how my poor sensitive skin will just burn and peel away, don't you, Colonel?"

"Yes, Rodney, you established that more times than I can count. Now, shut up," John answered, getting more peeved by the minute.

"I'm serious!" Rodney continued desperately. "I searched the entire jumper looking for that sunscreen and this was all I found!" He held up a deflated beach ball and a pair of scissors.

John gave him an odd look. "You've been carrying those around this whole time?" he said incredulously.

"Uh ... y-yeah," Rodney stammered. "I ... uh ... figured that they might somehow be useful."

"USEFUL??" John boomed. "A pair of scissors and a beach ball??"

"Yeah!" Rodney said defensively. "Uh ... the scissors would be good if one of us - most hopefully not me - got injured and part of our uniform had to be cut away and used as a tourniquet or something. And the ... beach ball might be a nice um ... diversion?" He trailed off awkwardly and looked away.

John shook his head wearily. "You have got to be kidding me," he said, more to himself than to McKay. "A pair of scissors and a beach ball … you do know that we have a first aid kit, don't you?"

"Y-yeah. But I figured it was better to be safe than sorry."

"Rodney McKay, you are without a doubt one of the strangest people I have ever met, and that includes the various aliens we've met since we've been in Atlantis. I can't believe you carried that stuff with you."

As he droned on, he was unaware of what Rodney was doing.

"We survived a Wraith attack, got separated from our other team members, you've been doing nothing but complaining, and now you keep talking about some useless inanimate objects."

He was cut off when an inflated beach ball hit him in the side of the head. "Ah! What the hell are you doing?"

"Something to lighten the mood," Rodney replied with an amused grin.

John bent down and picked up the ball. "It's not playtime, Rodney. Take your toy and put it back inside the jumper. Now."

Rodney's grin turned into a started frown. "Why?" he asked like a petulant child.

"Why??" John parroted incredulously. "Did I hear that right? McKay, just because we were able to kill all of the Wraith we encountered doesn't mean there aren't any more out there. What are you going to  do if they stumble upon us and you're standing there, bouncing a beach ball back and forth?"

Rodney seemed to ponder this question for a moment. "Well, granted, you have a point there," he reluctantly conceded.

"Yes, that's right," John confirmed sarcastically.

"I could stab them with the scissors!" Rodney suddenly proclaimed.

"Nah, I don't think that will work," John said. "Unless you hurl the scissors at them and get them squarely in the chest. And your aim really isn't that good. Trust me." He forced a little smile and patted Rodney on the shoulder.

Rodney's face fell and he frowned. "So what do we do?"

"Put the beach ball and the scissors back in the jumper," John reiterated slowly, his patience ebbing away. "And that's an order."

Rodney stared at him for a moment and, picking up on John's uncompromising expression, he sighed and stalked off to the spot where the jumper sat cloaked.

John shook his head and sighed, frustrated. How did he manage to get stuck with McKay? He could have been stuck with Teyla, who knew more about the Wraith and could offer more appropriate strategy suggestions. Even though he and Ronon clashed somewhat, it would be better to be stuck with him than McKay. The large man was more of a fighter than the sarcastic, mouthy scientist.

John was suddenly pulled from these thoughts when he heard a somewhat high-pitched scream. He snapped to attention and looked around. Could it have been the scream of a Wraith? If so, it meant that they were somewhere nearby. John readied his firearm.

His question was answered when Rodney came running from the direction of the jumper. "Colonel!" he screamed.

John shut his eyes and sighed. "What?" he asked, annoyed.

"I-I was in the jumper putting the beach ball and the scissors away when I suddenly heard this loud POP noise!! It scared the hell out of me!"

John looked at him curiously. McKay held up a deflated beach ball. "I accidentally popped the beach ball with the scissors," he trailed off lamely.

John rolled his eyes skyward. "What an interesting debriefing this is going to be," he muttered under his breath.

The End
Tags: fanfic, stargate: atlantis

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